So many times, I find myself wishing there were a reset button for life. I suppose New Year's Eve is as close as I'll ever get.
This year, I did many things. I clawed my way out of an unfortunate and miserable relationship that far outlived its passion. I graduated law school. I took the bar exam. I passed the bar exam. I got a job as an attorney. I got my own place. I started dating normal people. I'm refreshed by how simple life can be when you make the changes that you know you have to make. I'm also encouraged to think that anything is possible if you work hard enough for it.
So, I embark on the journey that I've always needed. Here's to you, 2011. Let's make it worthwhile.
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year.
Posted by hollywould at 5:34 PM 0 comments
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Carol of the Bells.
Every year, it's progressively more terrible. You get a little more like grandma. I get a little less like you. We don't talk about anything of substance, and I count down the hours until it's socially acceptable to leave.
Guilt, from the minute I walk in the door through the phone call when I return home. Then you ask why I don't visit more.
Awful. One more week until this season of obligations, both financial and emotional, is over for another eleven months. It can't come soon enough.
Posted by hollywould at 7:08 PM 0 comments
Thursday, December 16, 2010
In good humor?
"You're really funny. Most women aren't, but you are."
Maybe this is the cheesiest line anyone has ever said to me, but it struck a deeper chord for me than "you're beautiful" or "you have a nice body."
Dating is so awful. You play that game-- does he like me? Do I like him? What if he likes me more? What if he doesn't? What if this isn't really the right time for a relationship for one of us? Is this a rebound? Is it serious? Do I want it to be serious? He's attractive, but do I really want to spend my evenings and weekends with him? What if he doesn't like me? What if he has another girlfriend? What if his family hates me? What if he's bad in bed?
The list goes on. So, when someone says something about a genuine, unchanging part of my personality, it gets to me more than the superficial points. My body and face will change with time, but my humor won't. Maybe it was just a line, but it was the best one anyone has used on me in a long time.
Posted by hollywould at 9:05 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
It was freedom that I wanted, freedom that I got.
Everything has been left behind. I am a new person. Happier, more interesting, with better perspective on what I want and what matters in life.
Today, I have been in my own apartment with no serious visitors for almost 2 weeks. It's a lot of work. I do everything. The cooking, the cleaning, the bill paying, the laundry, taking care of the cat. I go to work every day, faithfully. My apartment is kind of sad--I can hear my neighbor's TV blasting through the floor at almost all hours; the maintenance man shakes items off my walls when he clears the ice from the path. But the freedom to go to the gym, to see friends, to visit my family, to have my family over when I want--it makes the misery of cleaning my car off every day and having a few cracks in the walls worthwhile.
At last, I am the person I have wanted to be since I was 16 years old. This may have been the "year of the tiger," but next year will be mine, no matter what sign it's formally associated with.
Posted by hollywould at 4:18 PM 0 comments
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Do-over.
When my fiance and I split in 2007, my best friend told me that the relationship didn't really count. I was too young to be engaged, and our relationship was of the intense love/hate variety. So, she granted me a do-over.
This last one. I don't even know what to say about it. After just over three long years, it is finally, totally over. It was an obvious rebound that got much too serious much too quickly. Then, out of fear of hurting one another--and possibly fear that other options would be worse--we both stayed in an unhappy relationship for far too long.
I move in about a week. I feel nothing negative. No regret. No sadness. No shame about what I'm doing. For the first time in three years, I'm happy and looking forward to the next adventure.
Posted by hollywould at 9:50 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Oh, my.
It's so annoying that you think you're some kind of god. You push around the "underlings" like they don't matter. You commit all varieties of malpractice every day. You are angry because life didn't turn out your way. Listen, sister, the dream didn't work out for me, but you don't see me running around acting like I own this place. Don't take it out on me ad don't take it out on the helpless new people, either.
Posted by hollywould at 10:13 PM 0 comments
Sunday, September 12, 2010
...and I could solve some mysteries, too.
Do what you love?
That's funny. There are so many things that I love. If I had done what I loved, I would be some variety of journalist or writer right now. Maybe then it would be fashionable to live a bleak, impoverished existence of misery and isolation. I would have a way to channel all this energy and anger into something productive.
Of course, the backup careers are extensive. Translator; makeup artist; photographer; veterinary technician; fashion designer; chef. But these aren't the types of careers that get supported in my family. They never really felt like options. So now, while I stare at my staggering student debt and inability to escape the life that I resent, I wonder what I was thinking. I did something I hate and I'm terrible at it.
I'm playing it safe right now, of course. The rational part of me knows that I have options. The practical part of me says that to explore those options right now would be futile or foolish. But still, I feel the need for something else. I have this sense that it's just a matter of time before I go chasing after something completely ridiculous and love every minute of it.
Posted by hollywould at 10:46 PM 0 comments
Sunday, September 5, 2010
the. end.
I hate to admit it, but the days are shorter. The air is crisper. Tomorrow will be the last cookout of the year for most people. Don't get me wrong; I'm all for the sales at the mall this weekend, and the excitement over Halloween and plans for the holidays. But to embrace this time means to embrace the inevitable. The cold, the snow, the dead plants and trees, the dangerous driving conditions, the constant illness. That's just the beginning, though. Then there are the holidays and my birthday. Maybe if my birthday were at some other time of the year, it would be enjoyable. But no one except close family ever has time to come celebrate with me; I'm just an afterthought that's easily brushed aside in the wake of Christmas and Hanukkah.
Shivering when I climb into my car at the beginning or end of the day. Brushing snow off my windshield and roof. Jeans. Sweaters. Undershirts. Socks under socks. Snow boots. Heavy wool layers. Scarves and hats. Gloves and mittens. All those layers, just wrapping me in my misery and dread. No, I won't enjoy this holiday, which means the end of pleasant weather and freedom. Every year around this time, a little part of me dies. I don't expect it to come back to life until I live somewhere much warmer and further away.
Posted by hollywould at 9:48 PM 0 comments
Saturday, September 4, 2010
sticky.
Sometimes, I feel like I spend most of my life with a cold. I'm either just getting one, or I already have one, or I'm just getting over one, or I'm living in fear of getting another one.
I was really looking forward to this weekend. I was going to enjoy my time off work. I was going to see family and de-stress. Instead, I'm swaddled in a blanket cursing my itchy throat, watery eyes and faucet-like nose. I can't go to the gym. I can't clean. I can't do anything. This time tomorrow, I know the cough will set in. For now, the most exciting thing I can do is attach my press-on nails and appreciate that my entire situation is kind of sticky.
Posted by hollywould at 9:42 PM 0 comments
Sunday, August 29, 2010
nesting.
The day when you find mice living in your cupcake pans and barely care anymore, you know you're close to hitting rock bottom. What's worse is tugging that pan out from under your stove, tossing the mouse in the air and causing it, completely accidentally, to fall to a painful, squishy death.
I feel a lot like that mouse. Except I haven't fallen yet. I'm still somersaulting through the air, facing my certain peril in terror and confusion. I don't know who displaced me and sent me flying. I only know that I can't do a thing about it.
Posted by hollywould at 9:21 PM 0 comments
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Do you know who I am?
"You stupid f----ing b----!"
I'm so glad that I went through seven years of higher education to be showered in four-letter words and told that I don't know what I'm doing by common criminals.
It gets old, putting on that suit with sensible shoes every morning. In the summer, the 3-block walk makes me sweaty, and by the time I make it to and fro, I reek. All I want to do is take a 30-minute shower and down a fifth of tequila.
Then there's the winter. God, the winter is horrible. I spend about 16 weeks of winter either mildly or miserably ill. I writhe on my couch with a searing headache and scratchy throat. I cough until my insides ache. I go through at least 20 boxes of tissues. The reason this happens is the forced trek to and fro up that cursed hill. And when I get there, again I am cursed out, beaten down, disrespected and resented.
So, when my client busted out the four-letter words on me yesterday, I began evaluating my life. Here's the bottom line: I hate my job most days. I hate my home life. I hate my family. There's only one solution: I have to bite the bullet and make some big life changes. The sooner, the better. This stupid f---ing b---- is done putting up with everyone's bulls---.
Posted by hollywould at 10:33 PM 0 comments
Monday, August 23, 2010
sometimes, i just sits and thinks.
If you actually are an idiot, is unfair if I treat you like one?
You are obsessive about the strangest and most pointless things. Not watching a movie because you've missed part of it. Not reading books mid-series; reviewing all previous books in a series if you haven't read them in a while and the author adds a new one. Missing an episode of a tv show. This is enough to make your mind spin, and you tell me it's because you can't figure out what's already happened when you do this. This means that you are an idiot.
That's only the beginning. There's also an inability to put dirty socks anywhere but my living room floor, a disdain for clothing if you aren't "going out," and that European nonchalance for whether you've shaved or brushed your teeth, say, any time this week.
Then there's your sci-fi obsession, phobia of the gym, and desire for all the things in life that interest me the least--a house, kids, and matching last names. Oh, and let's just clarify that you are in no way going to assist in paying for any of those milestones because no one wants to hire you. Again, this is because you are an idiot.
The thing that frustrates me the most, though? That, despite all this, you have no idea why people think you're slow, odd, and/or irritating. Here's a hint: it's because you are.
Posted by hollywould at 7:17 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
How are you?
Why do you feel the need to ask me this? I am wearing sweatpants. My hair hasn't been combed in days. I don't even know what day it is anymore. Behind me are 3 bags, a lunchbox and my purse. How am I? I'm a vagrant who survives on baloney, processed cheese, Sun Chips and peanut butter. I don't remember what it's like to have dinner with friends. I've stopped drinking not because of some moral objection, but because I simply don't have time to drink.
Someone. Please. Make this stop.
Posted by hollywould at 10:43 PM 0 comments
Saturday, June 12, 2010
v a n i s h i n g
Next weekend will probably be the end of you and me. Our last hurrah before you marry some guy and move away from me, like all my other friends. It's a little saddening, on the one hand; on the other, it is entirely relieving.
When we were young, you were fun. You wore Goodwill clothes and didn't care if your thong hung out of them. You didn't know who Ann Klein was, and you thought that renting a movie, eating brownies, and chugging surrepetitiously-obtained boxes of wine was the best way to spend a night. You didn't judge people. You didn't think you were God's gift.
Then, somehow, I lost you. You got that job with that Senator. You put on your suit and stockings and started buying makeup that costs more than my weekly groceries. You socialize with big names, to whom you mean absolutely nothing. You tell me that my shoes are ugly, my boyfriend is ugly, and really make no qualms that, deep down, you think I am pathetic. Christ, last week, you asked me when I was going to get a "real job." Pumpkin, you make $30,000 a year. Stop judging me.
If these are my true feelings, why am I sad? It's not really the loss of you, so much. Please, take your stuff and go on with your life. I'm sad because you're the last one; the last of the close college group to run off on me. Not all of them are married now, but all but I have moved away, on to their grown-up lives and fairytale endings in faraway places. This time next month, it's all up to me. Who will fill the void?
Posted by hollywould at 9:07 PM 0 comments
Monday, April 26, 2010
relics.
I found an old bracelet and matching necklace today and decided to wear them. Sitting here thinking about it, I realize that nearly ten years have passed since you gave them to me. You're long-since buried, and so is the store where we bought them. Glistening sublimely on my arm, I remember wearing the bracelet to special occasions over the years. Nice college banquets. Holiday get-togethers with family. Weddings. Graduation parties.
Then, I remember forgetting about this jewelry's very existence. I let it slip to the bottom of one of my drawers, where jewelry goes to die. I stopped wearing bracelets altogether. I started wearing necklaces from men who make promises as flimsy as the thin gold chains that they offer. But this jewelry set has waited for me. It's been patient. And as it shines brighter than anything I've acquired recently, it makes me miss you. With or without the jewelry, though, I probably always will.
Posted by hollywould at 9:37 AM 0 comments
Friday, April 23, 2010
tail lights.
We'll still see one another. Nothing's really going to change. We should get drinks some time. It'll all be fine.
Except, it won't. Well, maybe it will be fine. Maybe we'll still see one another. Maybe we'll even get that drink. But it's never going to be the same, and I realize that as your wheels spin away and your tail lights fade into one, tiny red dot on the horizon.
Posted by hollywould at 10:06 PM 0 comments
Monday, April 12, 2010
second best.
You asked me last night--aren't you the class valedictorian this time? No pressure there. I said, no. I'm not even graduating cum laude. You said, oh. Well. What happened? Why didn't we do well this time?
First off, WE didn't do anything. YOU put on your pajamas three years ago and went into hibernation, coming out only to call me, on average, one thousand times a day to guilt me about not being at home, not spending time with you, and not doing better than my snot-nosed 18-year-old cousin is doing in her FIRST YEAR as a FASHION DESIGN MAJOR. During that time, you forgot that I already graduated college TWO YEARS AHEAD OF EVERYONE ELSE with TWO MAJORS and a 4.0 GPA.
Second, doesn't it get lonely up there, looking down on me? Never mind that you've been unemployed for decades now. You will always be better.
Then, you say, let's have a party! You can "invite your little friends!" Well, that would be a swingin' good time. You'll sit off to the sidelines with my ancient aunts and complain about how I'm a failure because I'm not the valedictorian. They will antagonize me with the aforementioned cousin. You won't approve of the friends who would brave meeting you, and they will be miserable. And when we all get there, what are we going to do? Play with Barbie dolls and sing kumbaya?
Too little, too late. You can't be anywhere near as disappointed with me as I am with you.
Posted by hollywould at 11:01 AM 0 comments
Friday, April 9, 2010
Lost.
I have two weeks left of life as I know it.
For the past seven years, I have been in college or grad school. Seven. Before that, I went through twelve years of regular schooling. So now, as I wrap up the nineteenth grade, I'm starting to wonder about myself. Sure, I'm tired of doing homework. I'm also tired of going to class, smiling at people I hate who hate me back; tired of working a crappy job for crappy pay, and having to be grateful for it because that crappy job is the best I can hope to do in our economy without a professional degree.
Notwithstanding all of that, I'm not sure what I'm ever going to do with myself. Yes, the bar is coming, and I will have another three months of studying. But then what? Will it be a relief to come home and not face homework? I think it might be more stressful. After all, without being foreced to do something, what will I ever do with myself?
Posted by hollywould at 12:02 PM 0 comments
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Hatch, already.
The worst part of any holiday, for me, is the anticipation. You know, that impending misery of spending hours upon hours with people you have spent your whole life trying to escape. Well, maybe you don't know. For most people, today is a happy day to spend with people you love. I guess my problem is a general lack of people I love, let alone love spending time with.
But once the anticipation is over, and I'm driving here, it's not so bad. Then it's just a survivor race. How long can I stand being badgered, criticized, and annoyed? Four hours? Five? An entire day? A week? If I make it an endurance test, a game, it's not so bad. If I don't, the anticipation is justified, and then we're back to square one.
Posted by hollywould at 2:17 PM 0 comments
Friday, April 2, 2010
Sauna.
I must stop spending money. This month, I will not buy any more clothes. I will not buy any shoes. Last month, I probably spent $1,000 on clothes...some of these will be very useful (for example, the summer-weight suit). Others, I will probably forget I bought them a month or two from now. They will go to the back of my closet to die, like all their impractical brethren.
This month, when I feel the need to buy something, I will go to the gym instead. That ought to kill the old shopping habit.
This summer, things are going to be terrible. A special kind of mind-numbing, God-I-wish-I-would-have-picked-another-profession terrible. I need to get used to living on very little, and entertaining myself very infrequently. It also wouldn't hurt to lose a couple of pounds. Although, it's going to be kind of disheartening when I have to buy another new wardrobe.
Posted by hollywould at 8:05 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Jaws.
Stop circling and giving me the evil eye. You keep passing by and looking in here, smelling blood in the water. I see you. I dare you. Come a little closer. If you catch this disease, it would end you.
Posted by hollywould at 10:02 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
troubling.
Posted by hollywould at 9:55 PM 0 comments
Thursday, March 25, 2010
click. click.
Click. Click.
That's our night together. Wordless, either out of hostility, boredom, or mutual lack of anything interesting to say. So you sit with your computer, and you click your mouse. I ask what you're doing, and you ignore me, or raise your hand to silence me.
Every morning, I wake up and think: tonight will be different. But every night is the same.
I'm tired of being silenced. And I'm tired of listening to the clicks.
Posted by hollywould at 9:28 PM 0 comments
Friday, March 5, 2010
It's not so bad.
All dressed up. Laughter. A cold beer. Sharing secrets. Telling war stories. That's what keeps me going. That's what made yesterday the best day this week.
Posted by hollywould at 10:47 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Closing Time.
I should be reading right now. Not that novel I've been wanting to get to. Not the newspaper. Reading boring, miserable legal articles written by boring, miserable people.
The thing with law school is that you always should be reading. Even when you are outlining what you already read, or attending a class, or writing that paper that's been on the back burner for a long time, you still should be reading. It's gotten to the point where I no longer look at the demands of studying the law as making me better-educated, or better-equipped to win arguments. In all reality, I think I was better-educated the day I graduated college than I am today. I was certainly more intellectually curious then, and genuinely looked forward to waking up in the morning and going to school.
Now, I just resent school in all forms. It makes me push real life off to the side, and has done so for too long. If I weren't in law school, I could already be three years into a stable career of some sort, reading the newspaper guiltlessly, spending time with my cat, and seeing friends and family. I might have finally taken those vacations to Hawaii and Florida that I've wanted for years. For that matter, I could be LIVING in Florida by now. Maybe I would have found a church I liked by now and become spiritually aware for once in my life. Hell, maybe I'd even be married and have a kid already.
But I can't worry about that any more tonight. After all, I should be reading.
Posted by hollywould at 9:30 PM 0 comments